Fanfic | Surface Shine

[cauliflowerganache]

Fandom: Stray Kids
Pairing: gen, Chan/Felix if you squint
Characters: Bang Chan, Lee Felix
Rating: T
Words:2528
Tags: Canon Compliant, gender exploration, identity exploration, nail polish, self-esteem issues, body-image issues, gender euphoria, transgender character
Note: Thank you so much to MindelanWolf for the prompt and Rúna for the beta read <3

Summary:

“Think of it as getting to throw it away for me.” She pats him on the shoulder and goes, leaving the bottle in his hand. Chan thrills a little every time he feels the shape of it in his pocket; all the way home from schedule.

Chan keeps looking at the little pot of polish, its opaque glass and embossed with the brand name. He wants to stop looking at it, because this is stupid, and wanting it is stupid. What does he want it for, he thinks viciously. There’s nothing to want. A figment of himself flickers at the edges of his thoughts; a Chan who carries Chan differently. But that’s Chan from a different multiverse.That Chan wears nail polish. But that’s not him. He drags his gaze away from the nail polish. It’s pointless to be envious of yourself from an alternate timeline. So there’s nothing to want. He repeats it to himself. He composes his expression carefully. There’s nothing to want. 

“You can have it,” Jiyeon noona says to him. And he startles, flushing in embarrassment.

 

“Ah- No, I- uh-” He looks everywhere but at her. But Jiyeon isn’t phased, simply gathering her brushes and sponges and bottles and tools and packing them all up in the fancy fold-out compartmentalized case. The metal and plastic clack as she snaps all the clasps back together with finality; movements all practice and efficiency. She’d left the bottle of nail polish out, though, and she picks it up to press directly into Chan’s palm.

“Seriously. I’ve got like ten of these and this one is nearly empty anyway.”

Chan darts his gaze nervously back and forth between Jiyeon and the nail polish, trying and failing to call the right response to mind. He hesitates to close his fingers around it. Is he allowed to want this? The multiverses are converging, he thinks wildly. 

“Think of it as getting to throw it away for me.” She pats him on the shoulder and goes, leaving the bottle in his hand. Chan stands alone for a moment, his made-up face staring at him from the large mirror in stunned surprise. He didn’t even manage a thank-you to Jiyeon noona. He hadn’t said a single word, but somehow the polish had ended up in his hand. Well, it’s his now. He slips it into his backpack, because he’s still in the stylists' clothing, because he still has a schedule to get through. 

After schedule he digs it out of his backpack, just to check that it’s still there, and transfers it into his jacket. Chan thrills a little every time he feels the shape of it in his pocket; all the way home from schedule. 

When he arrives home, he heads straight for his bedroom, shutting the door and leaning up against it, heart restless. His bedroom, the same as it always is, appears as stacks of strange shapes and shadows. It’s home, and it’s still cosy, but it feels like he’s never been here before. His room too, must have converged with another version of itself in the multiverse. It must have made space for this new Chan.

Before he drops his bag or sheds his jacket, he pulls the little varnish bottle from his pocket to get a proper look.. How could such a small thing mean this much? Looking at it now, Chan realizes that the bottle is nowhere near empty. It’s full- so full it seems it has hardly been used. Chan feels horribly transparent for a moment. What did Jiyeon noona’s kindness mean? What sort of gift had she given him? How obvious had his desire been, just then that had motivated her white lie? Chan shakes his head at himself. There was really no need to interrogate every little nice thing that someone did for him. Felix believed this sort of thing. That people didn’t always have ulterior motives. Chan hears it in Felix’s voice: Sometimes people are just nice. Jiyeon was just being nice, but it sticks to him. Someone saw something in him that he’s not even sure he’s seen in himself. It’s a strange feeling. Not entirely bad, not entirely comfortable either. 

He feels alright to put the feeling down though, here in the closeness of his bedroom. He places the varnish bottle safely on his desk, then tosses his phone to bed. He slips his bag from his shoulder and leans it against his desk. He flicks his purple lights up and strips out of his outerwear, digging out a softer hoodie from the open maw of his cupboard. He glances at the nail polish, pacing the length of his room and pulling at his own fingers methodically, hesitant and eager all at once. 

Chan tries to let himself enjoy it uncomplicatedly. He puts My Chemical Romance on. It’s been a long time since he’d listened to them, long enough that he misses them. Tonight felt momentous, and it called for special music. Painting his nails black while listening to MCR seemed appropriate. What other music could possibly suit the occasion?

He’s not sad again, though, not like that. He just wants to remember, a bit, what it felt like when a riot of feelings could take up all of his attention. Back then, the sadness had a simplicity to it. He was free to be self-centred about it. But life is different when you’re responsible for others. He has his limits now; because he has to be strong. Despite that, his feelings are riotous once more- big and unknown- and he wants to give them attention. Strong can be different to how he thought it was. Strong doesn’t have to be cold. Strong doesn’t have to mean he ignores it all, all the time.

He’s quiet while he paints. He’d looked up how to do it properly, on how to not get varnish all over his cuticles. He’d opened up a thirty-minute long video tutorial on technique, but his impatience had won over about six minutes in, and he’d tabbed over to read the wiki-how page instead. It’s straightforward enough- and even if his first attempt tonight was imperfect, he could do them again, any day he felt like it. A song fades out and another song fades in; guitars harder than ever. He feels electric, like the music. He’s no longer in the maudlin introspective mood from earlier. He grows more and more excited as each nail gets a new slick coat. 

When he’s done, he screws the varnish lid shut and holds his hand out in front of him, admiring the paint job as a whole. He’s not about to quit his idol day job, heh, but he thinks they look pretty good. Sleek black, all ten of them. Next time, he might try a shiny diamante on his thumb or even ‘Stray Kids’ spelt out on each finger. Or little red stars on top, or like, have just the one accent nail in red. Chan snaps a pic, enjoying, as always, the purple cast of the lighting in his room. He looks good. Edgy. Like a rockstar, a little bit. Chan sings along to the music in snatches, doing all the ad-libs. He closes his eyes, sways and nods his head. He takes another selfie- fingers curled like an aegyo tiger to show off his nails, then he props his phone in its stand so he can do the same pose with both hands.

He can’t stop admiring them. He flits from admiring his nails to admiring his selfie. He won’t share it on Bubble, unsure what he’d say about it. When he looks at himself he feels a comforting inbetweenness. He feels a little like he’s wriggled out of something, or like he’s wriggling into something new. Maybe it's the same thing that Jiyeon noona saw. Maybe he’s changing. Maybe this has been within him always, all along. How would he know? How does anyone know something like that?

Chan needs an anchor to the rest of the world. This is good. It'sstrange and good and he’s suddenly anxious to tether this new version of himself in the multiverse to this timeline, to this reality. He wants to be this Chan. He wants someone to see him and reflect this joy back at him. Chan thinks about how Felix likes to keep things close and private when it’s personal and important, and then, when he’s ready, extends to you that privilege. He thinks about how much of him Felix has kept secret and safe. Felix who grew out his hair, and loved it. Felix who learned how to do his own make-up. Felix who started shopping in the women’s clothing section. Felix who had sent selfie after selfie to the group chat, trusting in the flood of compliments and praise. Felix looks to Chan, still, to check if he’s said the right thing. Who somehow always trusted that Chan would say the right thing in Felix’s worst, most fragile moments, even though Chan himself felt entirely ignorant and unsophisticated. If there’s one person Chan does want to show this to- whatever this is- it’s Felix. 

Chan taps open their chat. The last message between them was a string of hearts Felix sent last night, saying goodnight to him. Chan smiles. He swipes through his gallery and selects the photo and sends it off without comment. The churn of uncertainty is mild enough to ignore. Felix texts back immediately.

Woow!!!

[dancing cow sticker] [sparkly eyed cow sticker] [cow holding a giant beating red heart sticker]

Looks so good chris!!!!

 :) 

Is there

Any occasion?

Or just

To look 

pretty?

Pretty. It’s a word Felix uses often, and a word that gets used often on Felix. That’s because Felix is pretty. Chan is not pretty. Chan is handsome, sometimes. Chan is sexy sometimes. Chan even believes the compliments, sometimes. Chan wishes it weren’t always a fight- he wishes he didn’t have to win cyclical, exhausting, physical bouts for the right to wear these words, to be these things. 

Really? Chan texts back. Chan wants to ask if Felix really thinks it's pretty, but that would be a bit much. To ask if he were pretty would be fishing for the kind of compliment he’s not entirely sure he’s allowed to receive. But the word has already settled inside him, whether it's allowed to be there or not. Even so, he backspaces his message and retypes. 

It’s not weird? 

Chan regrets sending his message immediately. Why would it be weird? They literally all get their nails done regularly, with colours and without. So there’s no reason it would be weird. Why did he say that? Why did he think that? 

not weird! Felix responds.

And 

Yes

I think so

:) 

Looks good channie hyung! 

Chan lets his phone drop to the bed and takes a deep, happy breath. The relief courses through him, making him shaky. Felix is always so supportive. Felix is so good to him. So kind. His biggest cheerleader. He holds up his left hand on weak muscles, looking again at his painted nails. Chan blinks back sudden tears. Fuck, he loves Felix so much. Across the multiverse, In every universe, he knew he would find him. 

Chan’s phone dings again with a new message from Felix.

Maybe i should 

Do my nails too? 

To match 

with you~

Chan starts typing his response, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

Thanks. And no. No occasion. Just thought it would look cool. 

And yeah I think that would be cool haha

If you did yours too i mean

Like I’d feel less weird haha

Oh fuck, Chan thinks. He’s really harping on about how weird it is. What if Felix thinks that Chan thinks he’s weird? That would be…not great.

Sorry, Chan sends quickly, typing the rest of his message as fast as he can. 

 

it’s not actually weird or anything I just mean that I feel weird. Which is dumb i know because like it’s soo normal it’s just nails its just like, paint its actually not weird at all haha

Chan looks at his own messages with moderate disgust. He absolutely made it worse. Can he actually shut up sometimes? 

There’s no response from Felix for a while and Chan sighs, packing up for the night. Even if he doesn’t sleep tonight, he kinda just wants to be in the bed. The day’s exhaustion is suddenly too much; all he wants is to pull the covers up over his head and not be an embarrassment to anyone for a while. 

He doesn’t take off his nail polish, though. He’s just got studio time tomorrow, some online meetings. He wouldn’t see anyone that might judge him for them. He can keep it on for a while. And if he had to - he imagines some sneering encounter in the hallways with some faceless entity - if he had to, he could very easily explain it away as something for work. 

When Chan picks his phone up again, ready for bed, he has a voice message from Felix waiting for him. Heart in his throat, Chan presses play. 

“Hey hyung…” Felix says, low and slow and sleepy, and Chan can see him in his mind’s eye, already washed up and under the covers. 

“I’m in bed. Maybe you guessed that already, lol. Well, you’d be right. It’s cold tonight. So, I’m in bed~.” A long, thoughtful breath.

“I like your nails. The colour. Kkkkhhh. Black is cool, right?” Another pause.

“Anyway. I think I have to get some. Nail polish, I mean. Like, from the shop. Because I can’t find any in my room. But yeah. I just wanted to say like, it looks good.” Chan can almost hear Felix nodding to himself.

“Looks cool and like, pretty too, I think.” Chan’s heart flips. “That’s okay right? Like, I mean. It’s nice to be cool but it’s also nice to be pretty. Y'know? Or, that’s just what I think, I guess.” Felix lapses into silence but the voice note keeps rolling. 

“It’s normal, right? Like you said. It’s just paint and like, it doesn’t have to be weird, so I get what you mean, I think.” Felix hums thoughtfully. “But like, it’s weird too right? Like for um, guys. It’s normal but like, weird. Which I guess doesn’t make sense.” 

Another pause. “I don’t think that’s like, a bad thing, though. So if it’s weird then I dunno, it can be cool to be weird, if you get what I’m trying to say?” 

Chan’s heart is right up in his throat, and he nods along, even though it’s a voice note and Felix can’t see him. He feels electric, like the music earlier. He feels pretty and cool and sexy. He feels purposefully, incredibly in-between. He’d told himself just this morning that there had been nothing to want. But he’d wanted everything. He wanted this so badly that he ached. This was all backwards. How had he ignored the wanting? How had he not known it hurt until it had been eased?

 

“Okay hyung~” Felix sighs over the voice note. “Go to sleep soon. G’night.” And then Felix smacks a sweet noisy little kiss, and the audio ends. 

Chan tucks himself into bed, pulls the blanket up to his chin, and sends a string of black and red hearts in reply to Felix. Then he replays Felix’s voice note again, smiling.